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--- DESCRIBING THE EAGLE'S VISIT ---
It happened in the early part of the year 2000. It was either near
the tail end of winter, or the very beginning of spring - I never
wrote down the exact date.
I was at a terrible low point of spirit - utterly destitute. The
person I'd spoken holy vows with, the one I considered to be my
wife, Mary, had broken up the family the previous fall ('99), and
kicked me out. She'd taken up with a dangerous thug; I guess, an
avenue of excitement designed to disrupt the flow of the hum-drum
domesticity she found herself in as adult, mother, and wife. She
brought the thug to live in the home with her and my five-year-old
daughter. She was doing everything in her power to obstruct me
having normal contact with my daughter, Eileen. She commanded Eileen
to never talk about Frank; to instead, tell me to talk to her, Mary.
I later learned why (and, will share with you in this document) she
went to such extremes, obstructing me from discovering anything
about his identity and past.
I'd been abused by Mary continuously for almost nine months. I'd
been homeless after being kicked out of what I'd thought was our
home, and ended up living in a tiny little attic apartment in the
middle of the uptown business district. My van had broken down for
lack of money to repair it, and I bicycled or walked everywhere I
needed to go, included the Sunday time I'd managed to not lose with
Eileen. I'd lost my decent-paying job, during the eviction from our
home, and after finding the tiny apartment managed to get a
part-time job waiting tables in a nearby pancake house. I knew it
wouldn't last - my many physical problems were getting worse,
aggravated by the wear-and-tear of working as a waiter. I was in
near-constant pain in my legs and hips, and knew it was only a
matter of time before I'd be crippled and forced to stop working
that job. Eileen had begun telling me about being molested and
beaten by Frank, the live-in boyfriend. I'd tried to get help from
DCFS, and they kept throwing away anything I sent them; discarding
all documentation, and refusing to begin a file. Mary'd called the
police on me, claiming that I was disturbing the peace (a lie), and
I lived in constant fear that one of her close friends in the Police
Department would take it upon themselves to do harm to me via false
arrest, etc.; most likely, occurring at Mary's instigation. I had no
savings worth speaking of - certainly, not enough to survive an
extended period of unemployment, and definitely not enough to hire a
lawyer to protect Eileen and myself against the hostiles harming us.
The woman I'd loved and trusted had turned into a ferocious monster
that I lived in constant fear of. The people I'd thought were
friends had all turned against me, siding with Mary in those cases
where their belief in her lies would add power for her to do more
harm. Those who didn't actively side with Mary avoided me like the
plague. Even my family avoided me. In that period of my life, I felt
like I'd lost everything that truly mattered, and lived in shattered
desolation of spirit. I seriously considered suicide several times a
day, during that time; an escape from the agony I lived in.
I felt as if I'd lost my fundamental connection with God and Nature.
In those places where I wasn't numb from continuously being harmed,
there was only agony of spirit. Yet, I still prayed. I still
chanted, and meditated. I still practiced Tai Chi. Even in that
utter desolation, I still believed that if I worked hard enough on
making things get better, they would.
There was a day when I was home in the afternoon. It was a gray,
dreary day. The hardened city residents and visitors scuttled about
outside on the streets and sidwalks, chasing their little advantages
over each other. I was kneeling in the middle of the room which was
living room, bedroom, and workroom combined (there were only 3
rooms; the one I was in, a hallway-style kitchen, and a bathroom).
It was fairly dark in the room. I had a blanket draped over a rod
to cover the apartment's only window, which faced west. I avoided
using the electric lights, trying to make sure I could meet the cost
when the next electric bill came. I was kneeling, facing west,
chanting, and praying; occasionally, breaking down and crying at the
loss of all I'd loved, the total betrayals at the hands of the woman
I'd trusted, my frustration and futility, and my failures at
protecting Eileen. In my prayers, I was trying to re-establish that
fundamental connection with God and Nature, that I'd come to rely on
so heavily that it had never occurred to me that it could be lost.
It had been as natural as breathing, and its absence was like having
a foot cut off - but, I was hoping, that the loss wasn't permanent;
that, perhaps it could be re-established. (Kind of like having a
broken bone heal.)
As I was praying and chanting, I realized that the crows making a
ruckus outside had been doing it for too long. I tried to ignore it,
and focus more intently on my prayers and chanting, to find and
regain that connection with the spirits of Nature. They kept going,
and got even louder. I think I persisted in trying to ignore them
for about fifteen minutes, all told. Finally, I had to go look and
find out what was happening.
The house where my tiny attic apartment was, was located at the top
of a large hill. Looking out my west (only) window normally gave a
nice panoramic view of about a mile or so; downhill was west of me,
and my window looked out over the street the house was located on.
Directly across the street from my window was a very large oak(?)
tree. It was bleak and barren at the moment; no leaves under the
heavily overcast skies. Just beyond that tree was a three-story
house which had been subdivided into apartments just like the one I
was in. In the upper part of the tree, just slightly higher up than
my window, was an eagle. Wheeling about in the air, and making
harassment dive-bombing runs on the eagle was a very large flock
(20? 30?) of crows. They were the source of all the
continuing ruckus. They were trying to drive the eagle away.
I was utterly amazed. I'd lived in or near Highland Park, IL, for
more than 25 years, and never once seen an eagle in all that time.
Now, right outside my window, was a very large bald eagle sitting in
the tree. I was baffled at why it was there, and why it was enduring
the harassment from the crows. It looked in bad shape, too. Its
feathers were in disarray, as if it had just survived a major storm.
Or, perhaps the crows had been damaging it in their attacks? I don't
know what time of year an eagle molts, but maybe it was molting?
Maybe all of the above? It looked downright scruffy - not at all,
the noble, finely preened creature I'd come to expect from pictures
of eagles in wildlife magazines, and depictions of eagles as our
national bird. This one looked like it had been through a war, and
sought shelter in that tree - shelter which wasn't working out very
well, with that huge flock of crows harassing it.
I sat watching the eagle for about five minutes, torn between hope
that there was some message there for me which would reveal itself
via what the eagle did next, and worry that it would fly off without
anything special happening. I wasn't sure if I should let it see me
or not, and kept low in the window frame so most of my body was
below window level. Then, the Mexicans came out of the house across
the street, gathering on the parkway at the base of the tree. They
were pointing at it, and gesturing. There were about ten of them.
It wasn't long before they started picking up rocks and throwing
them at the eagle, trying to drive it away. After a couple of more
minutes, the eagle took off from the tree and flew away. I don't
know if one of the illegal immigrants from across the street hit our
national bird with a rock, or if it had simply regained its wind and
was ready to fly again. Either way, it was gone and the event was
over.
The Mexicans went back inside their house, and I dropped the blanket
across my window again to seal out the world. The event, in its
entirety, became chalked up in my mind as simply another mystery -
only one of so very many I'd encountered in the process of living.
--- EVALUATING THE EAGLE'S VISIT ---
Time passed, and the sequence of abuse continued from Mary. When
Frank committed assault and battery on me, Mary filed for an
Emergency Order of Protection against me - cutting me off completely
from all contact with Eileen, and all hope of preventing the abuse
of Eileen from continuing. I was eventually forced to choose to flee
from Illinois into self-imposed exile, as being my only hope of
preventing her from imprisoning me at whim via further lies
and character assassination. I sought, and obtained, court
permission to leave the state. I haven't seen Eileen in over 5 years
now - which, is just an extra crime; the natural consequence, resulting
from Mary's choice (and subsequent actions) that being utterly ruthless to protect the
servicing of her crotch was more worthy than protecting Eileen's
chance of having a father present in her childhood. I moved away,
and began the terribly slow process of licking my wounds and
attempting recovery.
Things have happened, since I saw the scruffy eagle. You might say,
that life has happened, despite the unlikelihood of that. The planet
has traveled more than three orbit's distance around our sun. The
solar system has drifted more than three year's worth of
displacement in orbit around the galaxy's core. The galaxy itself
has changed location, when compared to other galaxies. There's now
about three and a half years worth of separation in both time and
space, from where I was when I saw the eagle. It took me that long,
to figure out (at least part of) the message of the eagle's visit.
I don't consider myself particularly dense, due to that time lag,...
It just illustrates how mortally wounded I was at that time, in the
midst of the ongoing barrage of attacks against my fatherhood
(and so, against me).
When the eagle came to visit, I'd been praying, seeking connection
and communication with God and Nature. Where does God end and Nature
begin? Or, vice versa? That can't be answered, because there's no
real division line between God and Nature. We exist on a living
planet. As is the way with all living creatures, Nature does things.
Nature initiates, and Nature reacts. Was the eagle's visit a
spiritual message from God and/or Nature? There's not enough data to
say conclusively yes or no - but, it's in my nature that, being
human, I need to believe something as a premise for considering
the event's relationship to other things. Having lived it, and
mulled it over for a few years, I find that it's more useful to
believe that the eagle's visit was a message for me, than believing
that it wasn't. I find deep meaning, resulting from the belief that
it was.
The eagle's visit mirrored the condition of my life, illustrating
past, present, and future as a sequence of events.
I'd been struggling for years, trying to achieve a decent lifestyle
for my family. Obstacles and hardships were everyday events. I guess
this can be considered the portion of time where I was trying to
ignore the ruckus the crows were making, oblivious to the details
of the events the ruckus was originating from. In my focus on daily
tasks, trying to make things better, I wasn't understanding the
details of why things were so bad.
When Mary went off the mental deep end, and began actively attacking
my fatherhood (via vicious personal attacks on me), that was like when I moved the blanket
aside to peer out. I discovered there was an eagle there; discovered
that I'd been doing something very worthy with my time; that there
was actually something virtuous within my essence - the father I'd
become. And in discovering it, also discovered what grave danger it
was in.
I felt, that the eagle was there for me. It was either messenger, or
message, or both. (If that can be accepted, then the only reasonable
conclusion is that it was sitting there in that tree enduring the
harassment from the crow's for my sake; i.e., deliverance of the
message it embodied couldn't occur, unless it went through the
sequence of events that were part of the message.) I watched the
ongoing attacks, wanting the eagle to stay, but knowing that it
wouldn't - there would come a moment when the eagle would remove
itself from harm's reach by taking to the sky. I suspect this is how
Eileen felt, during those all-too-brief visits we had on Sundays.
She witnessed Mary's continual attacks against me and my fatherhood,
was powerless to change or obstruct them, and could only wonder how
long I'd be able to endure; how long I'd be capable of staying with
her.
Another aspect of this event, is that I'd always associated the crow
as a spirit animal for myself, but never the eagle. I'd had both
fear of and admiration for crows - but, found myself watching the
crows harassing that poor solitary eagle, and found myself siding
with the eagle and realizing what a magnificent creature it was.
This, also, is probably a fit analogy for Eileen's position in that
time. My poor abused 5-year-old daughter had always both feared and
admired her mother as her primary guide and caretaker, but now was
witnessing her mother continually attacking me - and, was realizing
what she was on the verge of losing - her father. As a matter of
fact, it's probable that she was seeing the likelihood of me leaving
more clearly than me, because at that time within the sequence of
attacks against me the idea of removing myself from harm's reach
only occurred fleetingly, in rare moments. I had the root intention
of remaining there, enduring the harassments and damage for Eileen's
sake, as long as I was capable of surviving it and providing
anything of value for Eileen. Who knows, how that eagle felt, or
what its intentions were, while it was sitting in that tree?
In Native American lore, animals have meanings that extend beyond their mundane activities.
The presence of a particular animal can be an indication that a particular type of event is about to occur,
or can be a spirit-message to provide deeper context and understanding of current circumstances and/or
activites. I've always perceived crows as being very territorial creatures with a strict code of conduct
and rigid structure of their society (their flock). In a flock, they'll set look-outs, and when a warning is
given, everyone in the flock is supposed to take notice and obey. This, in my mind, is directly analogous to
the police and military groups of human societies. So, in my mind, the crow is associated with law; a symbol of
those who set and enforce laws. This concept creates a basis for finding the message, because Mary's
primary tools in her attacks against my fatherhood were police, and the use of laws that had been created for
exactly that purpose; to facilitate breaking up families.
There came the moment when the Mexicans came out of the house across
the street, and joined in on the attack against the eagle; the
illegal immigrants, throwing rocks at our national bird. The
law-breakers, joining forces with the enforcers of law, attacking
the solitary, spiritually noble creature in the barren tree under
dreary, overcast skies. This is a fitting analogy for when Frank
ambushed me, and committed assault & battery against me. (I
dug up the truth about Frank, several months later, during my
struggle to defend myself and Eileen against Mary's perjurous
request for an Order Of Protection against me: Frank was a convicted
burglar; a man with a taste for home invasion, confronting,
violating, and harming others - sentenced into psychotherapy for
violence, and for substance abuse. This was considered irrelevant by
the court, and all such evidence discarded.) I don't know if
the eagle saw their rock-attack coming; instead, it might have been
shocked at finding itself hit with a rock, and the realization that
more vicious creatures than the crows had gathered to join in the
assault against it. It may have considered attacking and damaging
the Mexicans, just as I considered attacking and damaging Frank. It
probably realized there was nothing to be gained; just as I did in
my situation - that, regardless of initial level of success, the
final outcome would be even more damage to itself; perhaps,
thinking, even death at the hands of the law-breakers, prevented
from escaping by the bringers and enforcers of law. Just as was the
case with me. (My gut-knowledge, has always been that imprisonment
would quickly lead to my death. Mary knew that, and used it as
leverage to succeed in harming me.)
Eventually, the eagle took off, leaving that barren tree's branch. It could no longer endure the assault from the crows
and the rocks from the Mexicans. There was nothing to be gained by not leaving. There was nothing more it could do, as
the vehicle of its message. There was nothing it could give, via not leaving. The only possible result of staying would
be more harm to itself. This analogizes well, that time around seven months in the future, when I made the decision to
leave Illinois - and, did so. Mary had been granted almost everything she asked for in her perjurous request for an
Order Of Protection against me. No questions asked. I was stripped of my fatherhood. No questions asked. I was barred by
direct, explicit court mandate, from asking any questions about Eileen's welfare and well-being in her daily life.
I was truly powerless to do anything more for her beyond letting her watch me endure hardship for her sake. Staying near
her wouldn't have helped her at all - the only possible result, would have been more harm to me at the hands of Mary's
puppets; the bringers and enforcers of law, and the crowd of law-breakers. So, just as the scruffy eagle did, I removed
myself from harm's reach. Note, that it was only after a couple of years had passed, that I realized the connection;
that, I'd done exactly the same thing the eagle did.
I've come to understand that the event of the scruffy eagle's visit mirrored the conditions of my life in past, present,
and future surrounding the time of the visit. The eagle's tattered condition mirrored my condition; the damage to my
spirit. As a message from God and Nature, it was so deeply packed with meaning that it took me more than three years to
even begin to comprehend it. At core essence, the event was fundamentally an acknowledgement - it was like God and Nature
saying, "Yes, I see and notice you. This is you, and your situation."
One-paragraph of Addendum added 05/03/09 :
*
If a person I know comes knocking on my door, and when I answer I say their name,
the act of saying that one word carries a whole host of connotations. Speaking the word voices who I think they are,
framed by references of the things I think I know about them; i.e., all the things I've experienced involving them, or
have deduced. It also carries with it how I feel about them, and their presence; and, is framed by my expectations of
what might happen next, given their presence. This is how I view the sequence of events involving the eagle. In my prayers
& meditations, I had been knocking on Nature's door. The little play involving me, crows, Mexicans, & eagle wasn't
advice - it was merely that Nature answered my knock, and acknowledged my presence by saying who I was. The fact that the
eagle was driven away was the only possible outcome; i.e., a part of who I was, that simply hadn't happened yet.
*
Within the course of my gradual recovery from the damage inflicted on me in Illinois, I've sought for a
"path with heart". It's been difficult to find. I face my utter futility and complete failure at
protecting Eileen, every morning, and every night in my meditations and prayers. I feel that about the only
"path with heart" left to me, is my music. To follow that "path with heart", I need to
eventually get my music out to other people, and work to promote the ability of other musicians to do the same.
That's how and why I came up with the idea of conducting an "Open Stage" event. When I was attempting
to get it going, I felt that it was a public service, for the sake of other musicians, and for the spiritual
maintenance of society. It was also a way of gaining contact with other musicians for myself, and for getting my
music presented where other people could hear it. As a first step on a "path with heart", I believed it
was the right one. It was also a chance for me to acknowledge to God and Nature, that I (yes, only eventually)
heard and began to understand the spiritual message, by adopting the "stage name" of
"Scruffy Eagle". I consider that choice to be, at essence an acknowledgement. It's like me
responding, "Yes, I heard and noticed you responding to me. This was what you said."
An interesting aside to this little story, is that since the time of the scruffy eagle's visit to me, my
eventual departure from Illinois, and exile from Eileen, the West Nile virus hit Illinois. I was told that the
crow population there was utterly decimated; that, all the crows were gone - at least, from the northern suburbs
of Chicago. I have to wonder, does this analogize anything, in connection with the eagle? The bringers of
spiritual law were doing the handiwork of the forces which detested nobility of spirit. The bringers of spiritual
law are now gone; perhaps, as consequence of having been such tools. Are there any left in that region, other
than the law-breakers which attacked and drove away that which embodied spiritual nobility and freedom; our
national bird?
Another interesting little tidbit which could be construed as relating to the story about the scruffy eagle,
is what happened on May 3rd, 2004: I'd gone on a very short vacation, leaving Michigan and traveling down into
Omro, Wisconsin. There was an old friend of mine who lived there - a drummer, that I'd practiced with for about
ten years, but hadn't seen in about fifteen. He was in a tough situation, and needed a friend - so, I took a trip
to visit, renew acquaintance, play a little music, and perhaps be able to contribute in some way to his
well-being. As you may have gathered from elsewhere in this website, I live just barely over the border
from Wisconsin, in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. So, when I returned home, crossing the border put me with
only about five miles left to travel. There on the side of the road, immediately after I crossed the line and was
back in the U.P., was a mature bald eagle. It was on the ground, instead of being in the air or in a tree - an
unusual place for an eagle to be, about 30(?) feet away from the busy highway. I didn't see any carrion which
might have lured it to that spot,... Maybe it had caught a rabbit, or other small creature to eat? I don't know,
but the timing of it being there was just right. I'd never seen an eagle loitering around on the ground,
during my time living up here - until that moment. It made me feel as if my absence had been noticed, and it was
there to welcome me back. It also made me feel as if the spiritual powers-that-be were telling me that I'd made
a righteous choice, taking that road trip to Omro and back; that, my exertion of time and money traveling for the
sake of that old friend was a spiritually worthy endeavor. I felt that the presence of the eagle at the end of
my trip was an indicator that my efforts would have good results, resulting in spiritual growth and better
circumstances, for the friend I'd been visiting.
--- A SECOND METHOD OF EVALUATING THE EAGLE'S VISIT ---
It's now more than 2 years since I wrote & posted the previous portion of this document - over 6 years,
since the eagle's visit in the middle of the uptown business district of Highland Park, IL. I've lived with the
consequences of escaping relentless life-threatening persecution at the cost of abandoning my daughter, ever
since - and will, for any foreseeable future. They almost killed me then, but they won't have any such
opportunity again; they successfully kidnapped their only leverage over me, in that un-civil court. In doing so,
they traded loss of the ability to commit further atrocities against me as the cost of unmitigated power over
Eileen's mind, body, health, and future life-chances. (May they die, and then suffer.)
Here six years of recovery after the event, I find myself with a new, second avenue of interpretation re. the
eagle's visit. As a shamanic event, the elements of the scenario within the eagle's visit may either be
considered as symbolic of elements of the social situation, or alternatively, as symbolic of elements and motions
within my individual spirit. The interpretation I've detailed earlier in this document, is in line with the
first method of interpretation; as elements of the social situation. I'm going to begin (but probably not
finish) a discussion of the second avenue of interpretation; as elements of motion within my individual spirit.
Please note that the reason I say I probably won't finish it, is because this is still a rather new concept
to me, and I haven't finished pursuing the method to its full ramifications. What I write here, will be part
of that pursuance - and, you can share at least part of the journey of discovery, with me.
As I wrote earlier, I've always considered the crow to be a spirit animal for me. Crows have always both
terrified and fascinated me. I've discovered through years of observation, that crows have a highly evolved
sense of aesthetics re. music. An example of this is as follows: I used to have the habit of taking an acoustic
guitar down to one or another of the parks by Lake Michigan, and practicing there. I developed that habit
because those parks were the only readily accessible places where residents of Highland Park, IL could walk
to and have some separation from bustling, noisy, dirty city life. When practicing in the park(s), I noticed
that crows would gather in nearby (but, not too near) trees. What intrigued me, was that if my playing of the
guitar or my singing was off-key or out of synch, the crows would start cawing. I finally came to the conclusion
that the crows were gathering nearby as an audience; in other words, the crows were coming to hang around near
where I was practicing, because they liked the music. And, when my performance wasn't up to par, they
felt free to strenuously, loudly object. The reason I include this info re. crows, is that as a musician, the
presence of the crows within the eagle scenario has relevance. Crows are to some extent, what I've always done
and been. The eagle, is what I'd developed for the sake of Eileen - the ability to make noble choices of spirit.
The crows (what I'd always done & been) were doing everything in their power to drive the eagle (what I'd
developed for Eileen's sake) away - trying to drive it to take flight and leave that place. It might be valid
to view this as the following: That, the momentum of everything I'd done earlier in life; the skills I'd
developed, experiences I'd survived, knowledge I'd acquired; that my spiritual momentum was doing everything
within its power to push the nobility to take flight. That nobility was in bad shape; obviously, beaten,
damaged, perhaps even mortally wounded. The nobility wasn't capable of making the choice to leave of its own
accord. As selfless devotion, it could only choose to remain where it was, doing what it was doing. With this
inherent limitation, the only possible outcome for the nobility within that life-threatening environment, would
be its death. If the eagle is a part of me, then its death means my death - and, death is all-inclusive. If
the eagle died, then the crows (my spiritual momentum of music and discipline) would die also. As such, the
eagle had to be forced to leave.
A risk of this avenue of interpretation, is the chance of taking it too far. By this, I'm alluding to the
Mexicans who threw rocks at the eagle. Within a shamanic method of interpretation, it's valid to assign
characteristics of spirit to the animals - but, the Mexicans? Can the Mexicans be considered an aspect of
my spirit within the scenario, or must they be restricted to the role of external situational elements?
I'm not at all sure about this, and think that I'll need to go seek some input from a group of people I
know. Once I've done that, received some feedback, and had a chance to really mull it over, I'll add some
extra stuff into this document. Till then, I'll leave it as it currently is; unfinished, but (hopefully)
thought-provoking.
IN CONCLUSION
I hope you've enjoyed my little story about the "Scruffy Eagle". If I discover at some point
that I've got more to say about it, I'll add it onto this page. To cop a quote from Red Skelton:
"Goodnight, and God bless!".
~~~
Scruffy Eagle
~~~
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